How to Have a Mid Life Crisis Properly

The Mid-Life Crisis as Sport or Performance Art

So far, we've established that if it looks like a mid-life crisis and sounds like a mid-life crisis, it probably is a mid-life crisis. And for all intents and purposes it would appear that I'm having some form of Mid-Life Crisis (hereinafter known as MLC).

With no medical or scientific background, it can’t be said that I'm an expert in this field. However I advocate, and believe, that if you’re going to wreck something, wreck it well. Being middle-aged attracts its own dramas, so why create new ones when you can simply add to the existing drama, build on it and make it worse (it gives new meaning to the phrase ‘you’re doing it wrong!’). Enhance, use artistic license, embellish, Photoshop and get the Bedazzler out- do it all, why? Because you CAN! That’s what the true art of MLC is. Don’t just have an MLC, BE the MLC!

Having a really good mid-life crisis is aided greatly by having a mum like mine. Now don’t get me wrong. When I write about my Mum my intent is respectful. However it’s a good thing she isn't connected to the Internet. Mum has told me I have no right to say anything about her at all on Facebook, but seeing as those are usually my most popular Posts, I won’t be stopping any time soon. I'm writing a whole book about our relationship, but for now, back to me.

I love having short hair. I'm now wash-and-wear and get-up-and-go! It's low maintenance and can be pruned DIY style, once you get the hang of using the buzz cutter (or hedge-trimmer, whatever floats your boat). I'm also very comfortable with the fact that my hair is grey and I'll be 47 this year. But apparently this is remarkable – literally.

My Mother rings me “you know my friend says she thinks you’re very brave”

Me “really Mum, why?”

Mum “for allowing your hair to just go grey like you are”

Me “oh really? And what about how short it is? What does she have to say about that?” (I couldn't help myself)

Mum “well like everyone, she thinks you have my hair, which suits short haircuts. Not a lot of people can wear short hair as well as I can”

Menopause and middle-aged freak-outs had never really occurred to me until Mum started mentioning them. Not long after I turned 40 she announced to me that I was now officially classified as ‘middle-aged’ and then proceeded to tell me all about how her own Mother had commenced menopause at a very early age. Oh joy. She also gave me her detailed opinion on how women should behave when they become middle-aged. The way she makes it sound, Mum could probably talk her way into a TEDx Talk in the category of Global Issues with this one.

On the other hand my Father, who has an excellent memory, is happy to ignore and forget age benchmarking. Each year I give him reminders about my birthday along with the list of what I’d like, with an appropriate time frame to order from overseas if required. When I told him my 40th was coming up, and that it would involve both a gift AND attending my party he responded with “Jeeeeezus Christ! How did that happen?” My parents are divorced, so I decided to treat that reaction as a rhetorical question and not answer.

As for me, I was looking forward to turning 40. It was like a badge of honour to me. Nothing says “I Finally Graduated from Young Adult” like 40 does. Since becoming a 40 year old I've developed a theory; those who fear 40 are not ready for 40. If you are comfortable with turning 40 it means you've met the Mid-Life criteria.

I'm going to leave you now with a list of criteria that you need to meet the majority of, in order to pass from Pre-Mid-Life to Mid-Life:

• You no longer live at home.

• You are not a virgin. Or, you are deliberately still a virgin.

• You know how much alcohol you can drink. You don’t necessarily adhere to this limit, but you know exactly where your point-of-no-return is.

• You remember to wear pants when you leave the house. If you don’t, it’s by choice.

• You have passed your Provisional driver’s license, even if it is for a 2nd time around.

• Your parents now trust you with things you always wanted them to trust you with, but now that they do, you wish they wouldn't because it’s just more work for you.

• You've given up wishing they would ask to check your ID at drinking venues.

• You’re over the fact that you can no longer fit into your school uniform, formal outfit or/and wedding attire.

• You hear yourself saying things that your parents used to say, and that you swore blind you would never ever be heard saying yourself.

• You have started to frown at new technology, new music or/and new fashions.

Pin It Now!

I'm Having a Mid Life Crisis

Mid Life Crisis? Sure!

Turns out I'm having a mid-life crisis. But don’t worry – I've decided I'm going to do it well. No red convertibles, no “Eat, Pray, Love” quests, no F-Plans and no attacks of Cougar-itis. I'm going to succumb to it slowly (and hope this doesn't turn out to be a case of doing myself in slowly).

It all started about a year ago. Yes, it has taken me that long to realise, never mind blogging about it. I decided after years of long hair, the last few of them turning grey, that it was time to have the chop (yes we are still talking about hair). So off it all came.

That day at the hairdressers should have been a sign of pending crisis. I plonked myself down in front of a young hairdresser I’d never been to before, and she sweetly asked,

“So what would you like to do today” as she fondled my long locks (again, nothing suggestive).

I replied, “I'm taking it all off” (seriously – no euphemism).

Her eyes widened almost to the point of popping “wow – ok, so how short, like up to here?” and she gestured to my neckline.

I said “no, ALL of it”.

She blinked heavily and almost popped her eyes out again “THAT short?”

I said “yes, I want it really, really short” and then started to wonder how long she’d been cutting hair for, and whether or not she had done a short ‘do’ before.

Anyway, soon the hairdresser and her client next to me were staring in total horror. I felt like saying I could go and enter the next World’s Greatest Shave if they’d prefer, but she regained composure and we agreed on taking it down to 5cm on top and 3cm around the sides and back.

She gowned me up, got the scissors and just before she started she took one last look at me and asked “are you sure?”

I gave her my most encouraging face and said “go for it!”

Now I have pretty thick hair, and it reached just below my waist at the time, so you can picture how much hair wound up on the salon floor. She had to stop half way to broom it up so no one would trip over it. At one point she even pulled out a second pair of scissors because apparently the ones she was using were going blunt. Once she finished my face said it all, I was beaming with happiness and in return she smiled with awkward relief. As I left the salon that day I remember being lauded by a couple of other women for my bravery.

As I said to them, “it’s only hair”.

So here I am now, well actually I was sitting on the toilet at the exact moment, realising that this is all part of some kind of mid-life crisis. It's a phase that both men and women potentially go through, however women get the added pleasure of having menopause too.

The good news is that I'm going to give you a blow-by-blow, step-by-step account that you can use as a handy guide for your own mid-life crisis, when it occurs. So don't move along - there's plenty to see here!

You can thank me in the Comments section below…

Pin It Now!

2013 International Women's Day

My 3 Wishes on Women's Day

I wish:

1. to wear a bra and not have to burn it to prove a point.

2. to wear pink or blue, and for men to be able to wear pink or blue, and for ALL of us to realise it's just a colour.

3. to like being called Ma'am when it happens, to enjoy having doors opened for me,to like having my cork popped - and not be judged by other women as 'setting the cause back'.

What do you wish for today..?

2013 International Women's Day

{EAV:1a9bd92667a801b2}

Pin It Now!

The 2013 Academy Awards Oscars Presentation

After last night's awards ceremony, am I the only one who thinks that...

• Apparently beards are back, and they're big...and bushy.

• Hot pink leggings are for street walkers. No need for debate on this one. [if you missed it, see here]

• Actresses who wear floor length gowns, uber tight dresses or/and ridiculously high heels should be forced to do the red carpet, walks on stage and steps to receive awards via a slow inclinator.

• Anne Hathaway in pale pink beats Gwyneth Paltrow (circa 1999) in bright pink.

• If you wear a kilt it should be a pre-requisite that you must reveal whether or not you are wearing undies.

• Songs from Chicago should never be mimed.

• Songs about 'boobies', 'buttocks', 'penises' etc are always funny. You laughed - go on admit it.

• Belting out a song doesn't make you an amazing singer (I'm looking at you Ms Hudson). Speaking parts of a song if you are Shirley Bassey does make you an amazing singer.

• Thor inspired long blonde hair and Lord of the Rings inspired long grey hair are trends that NO one predicted.

• Award recipients without speeches should be forced to draw a randomly pre-written speech penned by Sascha Baron-Coen, and then made to read it out loud.

• Award recipients who go overtime with acceptance speeches should be automatically dropped down through a trap door in the stage to the sound of a giant gong (which would be conveniently placed under the stage next to where said actor would land).

• A loud buzzing noise should sound every time a presenter wipes his nose. If the buzzer sounds more than 3 times you should be required to pee in a cup and submit for testing.

• Why does the Academy insist on continually getting stand up comics as MC's, and then spend the next 12 months commentating on how bad their jokes were, how offensive they were, and how everything-ist they were . Surely Oscar organisers know the difference between  6 minutes and 6 hours?! Get Hugh Jackman back! (and shirtless next time please)

• If you need glasses - you're not allowed to present awards.  This is harsh, but did you notice that everyone who wore glasses still managed to look like they were taking an eye-test instead of reading the auto-cue..?

• Meryl Streep can do no wrong.

• Finally, next year, why don't they play musical audience chairs or seat-swap bingo..? During the breaks they could entertain themselves, and surprise us, by having front-row A-listers switching chairs with some no-name sitting up in the nose-bleed seats.

The Oscars 

What did you think of this year's ceremony..?

Pin It Now!

Freedom of Speech and the Responsibility of Expression

Each of us is responsible for our own actions. Freedom of speech is a right AND a privilege.

The current hot topics don't need mentioning in this post to discuss where the real problem lies.

It is hypocrisy to use your freedom of speech to deny someone else theirs. Abuse and misuse of this right is a side effect of this freedom. Simply because a majority of  people disagree with a minority view does not call for the selective denial of the right to express an opinion. The clash of opinions is all part of the greater discussion.

If the discussion about the nature of debate within Australian politics has become full of extremes, it shows a true reflection of the electorate. Our democracy continues to evolve. If our country is to grow up and mature, we need to hear all the voices and identify the actual problems. We will learn from the positive and negative contributions.

Maturity will come with growing pains as we realise that our ability to speak freely has changed now we have digital forums and electronic media to express ourselves in. Today we are heard in real-time and replayed over and over, faster than ever before. Therefore we have less time to think before we speak. In our efforts to keep up with the pace that technology has set for us, we have failed to realise we still have the power to control what we say and how we say it, before we commit the communication to its permanent release to the world to hear.

It's not about shutting down one individuals right to state their opinion.  It's not about closing individual channels of communication.  Let's not lose the right to freedom of speech, let's earn the right to keep it by slowing down our own process of thought and remembering the responsibility and control we have over how we share the opinions we have the right to freely express.

Pin It Now!